zsoulless

"1. Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

2. Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

3. Chuck Norris does not hunt, because the word 'hunting' infers the probability of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.

4. Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.

5. Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.

6. When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.

7. If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris, you may be only seconds away from death.

8. Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming 'Law and Order' are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

9. Chuck Norris has already been to Mars; that's why there are no signs of life there.

10. The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.

11. Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.

12. President Bush DID have a sure fire plan to end the war in Iraq; However, Chuck Norris was busy that day.

13. When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes ever.

14. Chuck Norris sleeps with a night light. Not because Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris.

15. As a teen, Chuck Norris impregnated every nun in a convent tucked away in the hills of Tuscany. Nine months later, the nuns gave birth to the 1972 Miami Dolphins, the only undefeated team in professional football history.

16. A blind man once stepped on Chuck Norris' shoe. Chuck replied, "Don't you know who I am? I'm Chuck Norris!" The mere mention of his name cured the man?s blindness. Sadly, the first, last, and only thing this man ever saw, was a fatal roundhouse kick delivered by Chuck Norris.

17. If Chuck Norris is late, time better slow the hell down.

18. Chuck Norris' action figure has slept with more women then most men.

19. Chuck Norris can touch MC Hammer.

20. Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

21. Oxygen requires Chuck Norris to live.

22. Superman owns a pair of Chuck Norris pajamas.

23. Chuck Norris appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked bout this glitch, Norris replied, "That's no glitch," and proceeded to kill them with a devastating roundhouse kick.

24. Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.

25. Someone once tried to tell Chuck Norris that roundhouse kicks aren't the best way to kick someone. This has been recorded by historians as the worst mistake anyone has ever made.

26. Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.

27. At birth, Chuck Norris came out feet first so he could roundhouse kick the doctor in the face. Nobody delivers Chuck Norris but Chuck Norris.

28. Chuck Norris was the fourth Wise Man. He brought baby Jesus the gift of "beard." Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus' obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after, all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.

29. When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail, his family does not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.

30. After much debate, President Truman decided to drop the atomic bomb on Hiroshima rather than the alternative of sending Chuck Norris. His reasoning? It was more "humane."

31. Chuck Norris once shot a German plane down with his finger, by yelling "Bang!"

32. The original theme song to the Transformers was actually "Chuck Norris?more than meets the eye, Chuck Norris?robot in disguise." It starred Chuck Norris as a Texas Ranger who defended the earth from drug-dealing Decepticons; and could turn into a pick-up. This was far too much awesome for a single show, however, so it was divided.

33. If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds till." After you ask, "Two seconds till what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.

34. There are no disabled people. Only people who have met Chuck Norris.

35. Chuck Norris can win a game of Monopoly without owning any property.

36. There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.

37. In fine print on the last page of the Guinness Book of World Records, it notes that all world records are held by Chuck Norris, and those listed in the book are simply the closest anyone has ever gotten.

38. In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris could use to kill you, including the room itself.

39. Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.

40. Chuck Norris has two speeds: walk and kill.

41. When Chuck Norris jumps into a body of water, he doesn't get wet. The water gets Chuck Norris instead.

42. Chuck Norris can divide by zero.

43. A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.

44. Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and got one.

45. Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry; the man ate an Indian.

46. Chuck Norris once bet NASA he could survive re-entry without a spacesuit. On July 19th, 1999, a naked Chuck Norris re-entered the earth's atmosphere, streaking over 14 states and reaching a temperature of 3000 degrees. An embarrassed NASA publically claimed it was a meteor, and still owes him a beer.

47. When Chuck Norris was denied an Egg McMuffin at McDonald's because it was 10:35, he roundhouse kicked the store so hard it became a Wendy's.

48. In honor of Chuck Norris, all McDonald's in Texas have an even larger size than the super-size. When ordering, just ask to be "Norrisized".

49. Chuck Norris can believe it's not butter.

50. When Chuck Norris talks, everybody listens. And dies.

51. Chuck Norris has the greatest Poker-Face of all time. He won the 1983 World Series of Poker, despite holding only a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoly card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game UNO.

52. The Bermuda Triangle used to be the Bermuda Square, until Chuck Norris Roundhouse kicked one of the corners off.

53. An anagram for Walker Texas Ranger is KARATE WRANGLER SEX. I don't know what that is, but it sounds awesome. "